"I have to matter!"

Freud thought sex was at the heart of psychological activity.  Adler voted for power.  I'd like to suggest the search for autonomy.

Yesterday I spoke with a couple and learned that he had been "a picky eater" since early childhood.  He teethed for 18 months (they told him), and, to this day, he's highly selective and even rigid about what he eats.  The same cereal (the only one he likes), at pretty much the same time, eaten dry, every morning.  And so forth.

It seemed very determined, very much in control, and maybe a bit like being on strike.  "I will not eat," or, at least, "I will not eat that."  Very quiet, simple, clear, and absolutely in charge.

I think of my issues with food.  At their core was (is?) control.  I can forage for extra food they know nothing about.  I can console myself with these treats.  And rebellion: fuck you; this is mine.

For many years, the wife had held herself responsible for her mother's unexpected pregnancy (with her) at 16, and "having" to marry.  The mother told her daughters, "Don't ever have kids.  It'll ruin your life."  She tried to fix her mother's unhappiness.

She worked incredibly hard, with no chance of success and a lot of self-loathing, to make the family healthier.  Of course she failed, and today she still hears every comment as a criticism.

But look at the autonomy.  Long after she knew better, she kept feeling responsible -- for her mother's misery, for her sisters' safety, etc.  With responsibility came autonomy.  She was responsible.  She was the problem.  She had to fix it.  She mattered!

I know that feeling, a desperation to be seen, to be loved, to be reassured that I exist and that I matter.

None of us does, really.  We're born, we flail the best we can, and we die.  After another century, nobody remembers us; we seep back into the universe.  (Even famous people are remembered as an idea -- no one living knows them.)  What's our chance for autonomy?  And yet, it matters so much to all of us.  We'll do pretty much anything -- including driving ourselves into cruel self-denigration -- to feel it.