In looking at relationships, we think about comparisons: do we match in education, socio-economic background and expectations, ethnicity or culture, interests, etc.? But there are so many other ways in which we could look at compatibility. One of them is quality of attachment.

My worst match, in that regard, was with my mother. I came from my heart, all-in, open, and devoted. I think of it now as giving gold. I take no special credit for the depths of my feelings; I think children, like dogs and other little animals, are wide open, as I was.

My mother, alas, couldn’t respond in kind. From her, I got back what I call “nice-nice” manipulation. She was responsible, wanted to be a good mother, did her best, and was lousy at relating from the heart.

So I spent the first decades of my life enraged that I couldn’t reach her. Now I can take less personally what I understood even then: this was never going to come out even; she didn’t have it in her. I always knew it wasn’t personal (she couldn’t), but I still felt the hurt. If she’d been just anyone, I’d have moved on, but she was my Mother (one of the panoply of gods). So I stayed in the game, even after she was dead. My own self-worth depended on it.

I’ve finally learned to evaluate her from my perspective, rather than the other way around. I’m the center of my world, and I look through my lens. That only took 70 years.

So before you commit to a relationship (assuming you’re grown up, and know you have a choice), check out the other person’s ability to attach. Check out your own, too, because what’s going to matter in the long run is whether and how they match.