As a child, especially a child in distress, you focus on the people around you. They are your lifeline. You notice what they like or dislike, what gets their attention, what makes you safe.
There’s a little “You” inside, but she is dependent on them, not conscious of herself, merged. Only later do you become defined as a self, at which point they, too, gradually become separate people. You begin to differentiate, become your own person. Your internal self may or may not come along with you.
For example, if your parents are good administrators but not very good at attachment, you’ll become a performer in their world –– how you look, behave, succeed, etc. That’s the world they ‘re defining, so that’s your world, too. They aren’t looking at your internal self, how you really feel, what you need, so you don’t, either.
Your clue is whether you’ve been pushing yourself hard, setting high, unforgiving standards. If so, you’ve been trying to fill in your empty spaces, feel more loved.. You can’t just be, not-perfect, quirky, good at some things but not others, relaxing into a feeling of acceptance. That would be selfish, or no one would like you.
If you’re angry or sad, “for no reason,” it’s time to look at the relationship between you-in-the-world and your internal self. Don’t bother with them –– you’ve tried for years to improve their attachment, and nothing changes. They are who they are.
Instead, look at your own relationship with your internal self. Have you carried forward the family tradition, not seeing yourself, or not caring what you see? Are you still pushing, beating up on yourself, hoping to prove you’re good enough?
If so, your challenge is to shift into a new paradigm. You may not have a model for how to relate differently to yourself (or others). In fact, you almost certainly don’t have that model; if you did, you wouldn’t carry so much anger or sorrow. You wouldn’t feel so lonely.
Maybe you really love(d) your dog, or your children, or your garden, or cooking, model trains, movies, drawing . . . anything. Use that as a model for how to relate more fully to yourself. Relate to yourself the way you relate to your dog. How is that? You pay attention; you’re all there; you listen with your body to how he’s feeling; you give love without reservation. Can you accept yourself that way? You’re just as deserving, and always were.