ANGER IS YOUR ALLY: A Revolution in our Understanding of Anger
by Bina Breitner, MA, LMFT
Although acting in anger can have negative consequences, anger itself is neither good nor bad––it’s a protective messaging system, like pain. It shows up only when something’s wrong, for you. (When nothing's wrong, or when you fix whatever bothered you, you're not angry.) Anger is useful; you owe it to yourself to benefit from what it tells you.
Maybe someone’s invaded your “territory,” been disrespectful or abusive, put you in a bind, or ignored your feelings and what you need. Anger sounds the alarm.
Anger also tries to protect you within yourself. For example, it scolds you when you live below your potential, or when you internalize someone else's distorted view of you. If you can’t accept a loss, resentment (a form of attachment) keeps the important person “alive” in your head until you're prepared to let go. If a situation overwhelms you, anger makes a lot of noise about something else to distract you.
As you’ll learn from many readable examples, your anger always has a valid reason for showing up, it never lies, and it cares only about you. It's a crucial resource.
If you listen respectfully to it, you’re already less angry. Somebody––you––is taking your needs seriously. If you then strategize about what action(s) could protect you, and implement them, you stop being angry altogether.
We already do this for others we love. When your child runs to you screaming, you want her to calm down, but you also want to know why she’s upset. Then you figure out what action, if any, you should take to help her. This book teaches you to do the same for yourself.
It isn’t enough to manage your anger or find ways to rise above it (put it in perspective). Anger brings you information essential to your own well being. You may dislike feeling anger, just as you dislike feeling pain, but the "alert" is intended to help you protect yourself so you can move forward in peace and good health..
ANGER IS YOUR ALLY teaches you how to turn your relationship with anger into an appreciative and responsive partnership. You don’t want to act in anger; it mustn't run your life. But you do want to listen. Your anger is wise and subtle, and it's always on your side.
THE FAIRY-TALE FIX: Childhood Magic, Adult Solutions
by Bina Breitner, MA, LMFT
(This book will be available late summer of 2018.)
“Once upon a time ....” These words rescue us in childhood. We’re overwhelmed by something––a parent’s anger, someone’s drinking, depression, the divorce, the illness or death of someone we love, emotional isolation––and we make up a story that helps us keep going.
In this narrative, we have a “magic task,” the fulfillment of which will provide a happy ending. ("I’ll do X––whatever my family likes––and things will be better.") We can support a parent, or have no needs of our own, be more nearly perfect, hide from everyone (including ourselves), or become something our family admires .... Each of us invents the magic task that best fits our own family’s imbalance.
We do this willingly. We have to belong, we don’t know the task is impossible, we love our families, and we have to do something(!) The story offers relief. Fulfilling our task will create the happy ending (there's hope). It’s up to us to do it well enough (a sense of control). And we’re so distracted by our project that we don’t feel our own distress (anesthesia).
This fairy tale gets us through our childhoods. It explains the chaos. Above all, it provides mild dissociation, distance, emotional protection. The story is something; despair is nothing and must be avoided at any cost.
Then we graduate into the adult world, bringing the distortions of our fairy tale with us, and we’re in trouble. We still feel responsible for whatever happens in relationships. We believe working this hard and being this exhausted are normal. We distrust intimacy. We rely on magical thinking and mild dissociation for safety. We don’t know who we are (because we’ve been performing, and others have always been more important than we are). We feel like failures.
Even more troubling than these (and many other) distortions, we start repeating in adulthood the relationship patterns we “failed” to fix. This time our efforts will pay off, right? and we’ll finally know we’re good enough.
With many examples, this book shows you how you got stuck, how the story you invented helped you at the time, and how you can now let it go. Emerging from this private narrative, you’ll be free to enjoy the life you’ve deserved all along––your life.